I really thought that I was doing well this time. I thought I was finding a balance between living my life and losing weight. Yet, this morning I find myself at Kroger. Buying my favorite binge food. Going to the self checkout line to avoid eye contact with cashiers who would certainly judge my purchases. As if that was enough, the drive through at McDonalds called my name. It took all the willpower I had not to break into my food on the drive home. I was so excited.
I ate my burger first. Tiny bites, savoring each taste. Melty gooey cheese with tangy ketchup and zesty mac sauce. Crunchy pickles and even those delicious re-hydrated onion bits were all that I could think about. Then it was time for chips and dip. My favorite flavor combinations. An entire bag of Wise's Honey BBQ chips and a family sized tub of Kroger brand french onion dip. Even as my stomach began to hurt, I kept eating. When I was done, I cried.
I don't understand why I do this to myself. I enjoy healthy eating and cooking new foods. I want to be in shape more than anything. Being fat sucks. I want to look good in clothes again. After the first few chips, they didn't even taste good. I could have worked a burger into my calories. I just don't understand why I sabotage myself.